7 Ways to Practice Self-Compassion

Written by Katie Allcorn

33 days into my sobriety, I cried into my tuna sandwich. I was crying because with all the mercury and discarded by-catch, I didn’t believe in eating tuna but here I was, eating it anyway. I was crying because I felt ill-equipped to be a mother. I was crying because work stress wouldn’t give me a minute. But I was mostly crying because I was no longer comfortably numb, and I was feeling all the feels that could be felt. 

Feeling inadequate was not the root of my problem, but it would take me months to realize that. The problem was that I’d spent a lifetime being too hard on myself. I gave up booze, and I assumed I would be instantly fixed, full of spark and zest, able to articulate and act in alignment with my core beliefs. I was overwhelmed and frustrated that I wasn’t able to live into my best self overnight. 

Alcohol was the only coping mechanism I had to dull my obsessive ruminating and chronic self-criticism, and now it was loud and all-consuming. I thought I would just snap back to some spunky version of myself without a care in the world, and here I was hopelessly asking Google “how to love yourself”. 

Majority of my search results were Instagramable quotes like, “You can’t pour from an empty cup” or “Put on your oxygen mask first”. Cliches are true. So true that they become overused. But I wasn’t looking for a cute phrase to embroider. In early sobriety, I needed to know which of my cups needed filling and when I could expect my oxygen mask to fall from the ceiling.

My inner critic was so loud and my thoughts were so tangled that I didn’t even know my own emotional needs. I had to dig up my own tools to help me breathe through the discomfort of life without blaming, shaming and berating myself while I sit in it. 

So if you are fumbling around the cabin for your oxygen mask, searching for more tools buried in all the information, here are seven techniques to practice during the milder times, so when inevitable life-stress comes, your nervous system will be primed and your inner critic will know how to act.

Observe Your Inner Voice: Our worst critic lives inside us, and escaping him is the hard work. Formed by the echoes of our parents and built over time by our patriarchal conditioning, our inner voice can be extremely unsupportive. The first step to dismantling the power of this voice is to observe it. When you hear a negative voice taking center stage, simply observe and become aware of it. 

Keep a journal and note when your critic is loudest. Start separating the voice of your Role Self (the one you’ve created from childhood to appease others, avoid conflict and make your experience easier) from your True Self (the one who is inevitably going to push and push until she busts out.) Once you practice this for a while and identify patterns, you can work to speak more kindly to yourself.  

Term of Endearment: If you’re anything like me, your inner critic may refer to yourself as “ridiculous”, “a mess“, “too much” or if you’re really tired, a blanket “fuuuuck” covers pretty much everything else. Self-compassion researchers tell us to talk to ourselves like we would a child or a friend. Easier said than done, so I’ve started small with a simple term of endearment. I lovingly call both of my daughters, “shug”, so I’ve started calling myself “shug”, too. 

After a particularly self-defeating day, lay on your bed, close your eyes, and whisper “you are enough, shug.” It immediately feels like a soft, warm hug from above, reassuring you that everything is going to be okay. Try it. Sounds hokey. But it actually works. This is a small example of the bigger concept of re-mothering or re-parenting ourselves. There are lots of exercises, literature and therapists that can help you go deeper. 

Reach Out: Isolation is my favorite way to punish myself, which is how I got to the lonely position of searching Google for answers to personal questions. Raised in the South, I was conditioned to lock myself away when I felt inadequate or when I felt any big feeling for that matter. I come out when I’m ready to be perfect again or at least presentable. But humans were meant to be together. Look at the Blue Zones. One of the reasons people in those areas thrive so long is due largely to their lack of privacy and rich sense of community. 

Social interaction reminds us of our common humanity, that we are not alone in our shortcomings, our struggles, our shame. It breaks down the doors that open up to connection and intimacy. Designate one person who you can reach out to on a weekly basis for support and encouragement. Or join a community that meets regularly. The trick here is vulnerability. You’re only going to get out what you are willing to put in.

Wait 90 Seconds: Identify, label, and accept your emotions without judgment. This technique of letting go is toeing the line between concept and action step in my opinion. But research shows that our emotions last only 90 seconds. The stories we build around these feelings and the lies we tell ourselves can last a lifetime. 

When a big feeling comes up, remind yourself of this 90 second rule. Wait a minute and a half. Instead of using this time to write a story around it, try to put a name to the emotion and sit with it. It also helps to know the ten basic human emotions, so you can easily identify what you might be feeling: Joy, Excitement, Surprise, Sadness, Anger, Disgust, Contempt, Fear, Shame and Guilt. Sounds super basic, but I didn’t know this stuff. Sorry, and you’re welcome.

Releasing Statements: Releasing statements are kinda like mantras, but a better starting point if you don’t quite believe those positive affirmations yet. Consider these mini-exercises in forgiving yourself and approaching your emotions without judgement. I’ve found it helpful to use releasing statements in conversations with other women. Practicing compassionate words on others builds them into our language, and it becomes easier to say them to yourself.

When you catch yourself saying something negative to yourself, like “Lighten up. It’s not a big deal”, release it by responding to yourself with “It’s okay to be upset.” The hard part here is the initial awareness that you are speaking horribly to yourself. That takes time and practice. Keep going with it. 

Self-Distancing: We know that writing can be cathartic. Simply expressing emotions on a private journal page can be tremendous for our mental health. This isn’t that. Self-distancing through expressive writing looks more like talking to yourself. It addresses your inner person, not some random listener. For example, writing therapy reads like “I did this.” Self-distancing reads like “You did that.” A dialogue opens with yourself and can lead to some serious discoveries. 

Designate one of your journaling days to shift the perspective and address yourself. Write about whatever you wish and create distance. You may be surprised to feel proud of yourself for some things you would have otherwise looked over. Acknowledging even our teeny-tiny accomplishments, (ex: “Wow she didn’t lose her shit just now) slows our reflex to self-criticize.

Honor Your Cycle: Consider this practice an extension of self-care, or maybe a prerequisite. Honoring your cycle is the art of reframing your menstrual cycle from being a pain in the ass to making you a Queen. When that monthly pull comes back around, use it as a signal from the Universe that it’s time to slow down and to focus on your needs. 

During your next cycle, plan for extra space to rest on Day 1. If you can intentionally slow down and be more gentle with yourself through Day 3, even better. You may start to look forward to this monthly rhythm. I wrote this one last, but I encourage you to give this one a try first. Because this powerful practice can trickle down to the others. If this simple mindset shift sends you down the rabbit hole of witchy goodness and the power of our feminine energy, go there. It’s the good stuff.